Date #7 – The Ultimate Loser


#7’s Stats

Age: 34

Height: 5’8

Ethnicity: Caucasian

Job: Marketing – Actually unemployed

Kids: None                Wants: Yes

Drinks: Yes

Smokes: No

Single for: My guess is forever

PRE-DATE

So we talked a bit online and I wasn’t crazy about his look.  Again, not unattractive but looked psychotic.  Listening to my questionable friend who stated that he just looks fun and goofy, I chatted with him a bit.  Small talk and basic conversation didn’t go that bad, but  I told myself that I wasn’t going to waste his time or my time by continuing the conversation the second he sent me a message that said:  Hi, Will you go skydiving with me?

Later, my friend who I will never listen to anymore asked me about him.  I told her that I got the creeps and wouldn’t be going out with him.  She told me that I was being overly critical and should take a stab at it.  Like a dummy, I listened.

THE FIRST IMPRESSION

I was about 10 minutes late and felt bad because I left my phone at home so I couldn’t call.  I went in and saw him leaned over the coffee bean counter as if he lost his best friend.  I didn’t recognize him initially because he didn’t have his “goofy” AKA psychotic face on.  He was very muscular and seemed to lack a lot of confidence.  He looked as if he rolled out of bed hadn’t showered in days.

THE DATE

I met him in a coffee shop.  I apologized for being late.  He said don’t worry about it in the most passive aggressive way that anyone could.

He then asked, “Would you like some coffee?”

I replied, “Yes.”

“Well then, go ahead and buy it,” he responded.

Whatever!  I thought.  I purchased my coffee as he went outside to find a table.  When I went out to meet him, he stated it was too loud so he wanted to sit inside.  We sat inside and it was again, too loud for him so I politely asked if he wanted to walk around the block.  We talked and walked around the block.  I found out that he has been on and off the dating site for a little over a year and was unemployed.  I know everyone needs someone, but what he needed was a job.

As we walked around the block, he walked a good 7 paces ahead of me.  How was this even conversation friendly?  I thought to myself, great, he’s not into me, no awkward moments.  By the time I got by my car, he asked me to dinner.  I almost laughed in his face because I’m never paying for a guy’s dinner again, I learned that lesson from my 20’s.  If we were dating a long while or in a relationship, that’s different.  Ok, I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt and say we would go dutch.  He still wasn’t worth a second date.  I’m kinda proud of myself because I didn’t use the ultimate jerk line by saying, “I’ll call you”, I said, “call me in a couple weeks.”  Too bad in a couple of weeks I’ll be in Moscow.

I PICTURED OUR FUTURE TO BE

Socially, people would think I was a saint because I was dating the bummy less attractive rain man.  But then, all of a sudden women would find him attractive.  He would get a big head and dump me because of the endless line of tail that assumed he must be excellent in bed because he has nothing else to offer the world.

WHAT I LIKED ABOUT HIM

I made this a standard question?

WHAT I DIDN’T LIKE ABOUT HIM

He doesn’t have a job, he doesn’t know how to prioritize, he’s selfish, he’s egotistical…

WHAT I LEARNED ABOUT MYSELF

I don’t like guys who don’t work.  Work as in job or work as in functional representations of the male species.

Date #2 AKA The Student


#2’s STATS

Age:  25

Height:  5’10

Ethnicity: Caucasian

Job:  Student

Kids: None                Wants:  Maybe

Drinks: Occasionally

Smokes: No

Single for:  ??

PRE-DATE

I run into a graduate student and find him pretty cute and interesting from his profile.  We chat.  He’s super serious which I get.  He’s about school right now and that’s kind of a turn on.  I told him that I like horror movies and he said he wasn’t into them and preferred romantic comedies instead.  When I told him I wanted to use horror movies as an excuse to cuddle with him it went right over his head (TWICE).  Maybe it was because he knew there was going to be no cuddling anytime soon… So of course I wouldn’t hold it against him.  He’s 25 and has his stuff together.

Before planning our date, he told me that he had a lazy eye and that I should be aware of his condition.  It didn’t bother me.  Lazy eye big whoop.

THE FIRST IMPRESSION

We met outside a restaurant that he frequents.  He was dressed in a college shirt and shorts with flip flops and looked like he just rolled out of bed.  I wore my favorite jeans with a cute halter styled top in an effort to look casually cute.  I thought he wasn’t that excited about meeting me although he smiled because he put zero effort in his presentation.  Then, there was the eye.  Well, the eyes.  They weren’t as lazy as I thought because they were dancing and I didn’t know which to look directly at.  I didn’t want him to feel self-conscious so I quickly turned so we could go into the restaurant.

THE DATE

We sat down and immediately started talking.  I was a little nervous at first because he was majorly cute and his profile didn’t lie too much (he actually said 6’0 and came in about my dad’s height at 5’10 – Maybe I should get used to this height lie).  I talked so much I didn’t realize that the waitress came twice for our order.  Finally I shut up and tried to pick something as quickly as possible.  I must have initially been a good conversationalist because he continued to ask me questions as I ate my meal.

By the time I finished eating, I was beyond the eye condition and ready to talk more.  So much of our conversation was about school that I was starting to feel anxious as if I had a test coming up.  I tried to stir the conversation into something less serious but it seemed to make him shut down more.  Great.  All work, no play…

The check came, he paid and graciously might I add.

I PICTURED OUR FUTURE TO BE

Him working constantly.  Me waiting at home in sexy lingerie with a glass of wine in one hand and a steak in another.  Him coming home and seeing that and asking me why I don’t have any clothes on.  He takes the steak and wine and goes and sit at the table eating the steak and drinking the wine as if I weren’t there.  Oh God, I’ve become Kathy Bates’ character in Fried Green Tomatoes.  Hopefully my only friend won’t be Jessica Tandy.

WHAT I LIKED ABOUT HIM

Hmmm….  He’s a student and loves his future career.

WHAT I DIDN’T LIKE ABOUT HIM

He’s a serious hard core student and can’t pick up on flirting if it hit him in the face.  He spends so much time in his work when it’s time to play he doesn’t know how to let go.

WHAT I LEARNED ABOUT MYSELF

I can’t be the teacher.  I’m not looking for a student.