Date #7 – The Ultimate Loser


#7’s Stats

Age: 34

Height: 5’8

Ethnicity: Caucasian

Job: Marketing – Actually unemployed

Kids: None                Wants: Yes

Drinks: Yes

Smokes: No

Single for: My guess is forever

PRE-DATE

So we talked a bit online and I wasn’t crazy about his look.  Again, not unattractive but looked psychotic.  Listening to my questionable friend who stated that he just looks fun and goofy, I chatted with him a bit.  Small talk and basic conversation didn’t go that bad, but  I told myself that I wasn’t going to waste his time or my time by continuing the conversation the second he sent me a message that said:  Hi, Will you go skydiving with me?

Later, my friend who I will never listen to anymore asked me about him.  I told her that I got the creeps and wouldn’t be going out with him.  She told me that I was being overly critical and should take a stab at it.  Like a dummy, I listened.

THE FIRST IMPRESSION

I was about 10 minutes late and felt bad because I left my phone at home so I couldn’t call.  I went in and saw him leaned over the coffee bean counter as if he lost his best friend.  I didn’t recognize him initially because he didn’t have his “goofy” AKA psychotic face on.  He was very muscular and seemed to lack a lot of confidence.  He looked as if he rolled out of bed hadn’t showered in days.

THE DATE

I met him in a coffee shop.  I apologized for being late.  He said don’t worry about it in the most passive aggressive way that anyone could.

He then asked, “Would you like some coffee?”

I replied, “Yes.”

“Well then, go ahead and buy it,” he responded.

Whatever!  I thought.  I purchased my coffee as he went outside to find a table.  When I went out to meet him, he stated it was too loud so he wanted to sit inside.  We sat inside and it was again, too loud for him so I politely asked if he wanted to walk around the block.  We talked and walked around the block.  I found out that he has been on and off the dating site for a little over a year and was unemployed.  I know everyone needs someone, but what he needed was a job.

As we walked around the block, he walked a good 7 paces ahead of me.  How was this even conversation friendly?  I thought to myself, great, he’s not into me, no awkward moments.  By the time I got by my car, he asked me to dinner.  I almost laughed in his face because I’m never paying for a guy’s dinner again, I learned that lesson from my 20’s.  If we were dating a long while or in a relationship, that’s different.  Ok, I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt and say we would go dutch.  He still wasn’t worth a second date.  I’m kinda proud of myself because I didn’t use the ultimate jerk line by saying, “I’ll call you”, I said, “call me in a couple weeks.”  Too bad in a couple of weeks I’ll be in Moscow.

I PICTURED OUR FUTURE TO BE

Socially, people would think I was a saint because I was dating the bummy less attractive rain man.  But then, all of a sudden women would find him attractive.  He would get a big head and dump me because of the endless line of tail that assumed he must be excellent in bed because he has nothing else to offer the world.

WHAT I LIKED ABOUT HIM

I made this a standard question?

WHAT I DIDN’T LIKE ABOUT HIM

He doesn’t have a job, he doesn’t know how to prioritize, he’s selfish, he’s egotistical…

WHAT I LEARNED ABOUT MYSELF

I don’t like guys who don’t work.  Work as in job or work as in functional representations of the male species.

Date #6 AKA Young Spielberg


#6’s Stats

Age: 32

Height: 5’10

Ethnicity: Caucasian

Job: Entertainment

Kids: None                Wants: Yes

Drinks: Yes

Smokes: Occasionally (yuck!)

Single for: ??

PRE-DATE

He initiated contact and seemed like a cool guy.  Handsome yet awkward.  I knew he was going to be super slim which I dreaded.  Noassatall may be fine with most girls, but concave just isn’t desireable for me.  Plus, I can’t pass on a gene like that to my children, it would be very irresponsible…

We chatted for a while online and exchanged  notes back and forth about movies about living in LA, about loathing LA, and about loving it.  He was out of town working on a film but when he got back, we quickly made plans for a bowling date. 

THE FIRST IMPRESSION

I was rushing from work and didn’t get a chance to put on my make-up.  As I sat in the car about to apply my lipstick, he walked up and said hello.  Crap! Oh well whatever, it’s bowling and he’s already seen me now.  He was a bit older looking than his profile photo’s which worked in his favor.  He had the sex appeal that 30 and 40 year olds have for younger women.  The graying stubble and the chisled face.  His eyes were gorgeous and stood out from behind the frames on his face.  Tshirt and jeans, nothing too impressive but what can I say, it’s bowling and I didn’t have on a face. 

THE DATE

We had exchanged so much shit talking back and forth about what this bowling game was going to be that when we walked up to the counter he immediately paid for 3 games.  The bowling alley was not anything fancy and I had this constant threat looming above my head that my purse was going to get stolen or the gang banger in the next lane was going to gang bang me if given the opportunity.  *Creepy!*  (I stepped up to bowl and this guy walked directly right up next to me as if he knew me – Not very comfortable). 

Anyway, he was kinda quiet, but a lot of times, I appreciate quiet.  I like just having company sometimes and seeing as how I was winning this game his company was nothing but appreciated.  My winning streak didn’t last too long.  I’m kinda glad about that.  How attractive would he have been to me if he would have lost all 3 games?  

After bowling, it was time for a laugh.  We went to a comedy improv show and where  I volunteered to go on stage so I guess it must have left a positive impression because he leaned forward in his seat to watch me.  When we left the show, he grabbed my hand and we ran across the street.  In grabbing my hand he told me that he was taking the lead and definitely not interested in being friends. 

I PICTURED OUR FUTURE TO BE

We’d be friends for a long while.  I’d probably try to pawn him off on an amazing girl that I knew who wasn’t into assess but he’d be very much about me (gotta love my ego!).  I after dating 94 more guys and waiting for Mr. Right to show up on my doorstep would eventually see that he’s the catch of the century.  Then, we’d get married and I’d be the bread winner supporting his dream until I got knocked up and then he’d go do a job he hated somewhere because that’s the kind of guy he is.   Coming home smelling like cigarettes because he’s now a chain smoker who’s secretly resentful… and I would cry at night because my children suffer from noassatall.   

WHAT I LIKED ABOUT HIM

He’s funny, smart,  creative.  Gorgeous eyes!  We have similar reasons for doing what we do in life. 

WHAT I DIDN’T LIKE ABOUT HIM

He doesn’t have a steady job.  I would have to take the back burner for who knows how long. 

WHAT I LEARNED ABOUT MYSELF

I like when guys assert their dominance. 

Date #5 – Mr. DeMille


#5’s Stats

Age: 30   (looks 40)

Height: 6’1

Ethnicity: Caucasian

Job: Entertainment

Kids: None                Wants: Yes

Drinks: No

Smokes: No

Single for: ??

PRE-DATE

I came across a profile where the guy was traditionally not what I would look for in a boyfriend or someone I would even make out with on a drunken occassion.  He wasn’t unattractive, he just wasn’t my type physically.  As I read his profile, a bunch of commonalities popped up and I thought, sure, why not.  It’s not like I have to marry the guy or I’m obligated to go out with him a second time.

THE FIRST IMPRESSION

He arrived before me.  Not sure how long he had been waiting but I was on time.  He forewarned me that he cut his facial hair which had me on pins and needles before meeting him because that could be a good thing or a bad thing.  When I saw him waiting, I knew it was him only because I received a text from him letting me know he was there.  He was dressed in a button down and jeans.  He had a nice face kinda like a school teacher or preacher.

THE DATE

We talked while we waited for our table.  Initially I thought we were having two different conversations almost as if he confused me with someone else.  He commented on my job without really knowing where I work and exactly what I did but I figured it was nerves.

When we sat down, we continued talking.  It was as if there was no breaking point between thoughts and it flowed and I appreciated that I could be my inner geek in front of him and talk about Sci-fi.  That was fun.  He talked about work and projects he was working on as if it were his normal way of impressing girls only to find out that I was more interested in talking about comic books.  Our service was pretty slow.  When he did stop by the waiter flirted with me which was pretty hilarious.  I’m not sure if we looked like the odd couple or if the waiter was just that rude.

After dinner, we went for ice cream.  We continued talking for a while and just when I got comfortable, the uncomfortable question pops up:  Why are you on the dating site? Which translates to:  Why are you single? I can’t just tell the truth and say, because I just haven’t met him yet so here’s my chance to reveal my flaws.  I tell him that it’s because I have my guard up and I’m horrible at communicating with guys I actually like.   Sad, but true!

He responded with some weird comment about how some women in LA are screwed up and guarded.  I just used the word guarded, was he not listening or was this just a nervous reaction to what I said.  Keeping a mental note of this one.   He proceeds to tell me that his job calls for a lot of demands and because most people don’t see him outside of that environment, it makes him undateable…

After ice cream he asks if we can continue the night.  While we had a blast talking, I realized that I had a lot of work cut out for me the next day and I couldn’t help but to think about #3 and #4.  In the back of my mind, I wondered if  I even had a chance with #3.  As physical attraction goes, he’s more my speed.  Then, I thought about #4.  I think I would have great conversation with #4 and we still haven’t had our second date yet and as physical attraction goes, he’s golden.  All this in a fraction of a second to say that I wasn’t physically attracted to #5.  I liked talking to him, but I knew this was the guy you’d have to date for a while and then he’d grow on you and you’d get past it… Maybe this is the route I’m supposed to take in finding true love, but I just don’t think I’m ready for any close-ups with Mr. DeMille.  95 more to go, no need to settle.

He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged it like a bullet and turned into the hug as if it were the best hug ever and slipped back to my car.   What can I say, he’s no #3.  He asked for a second date and I told him we’d talk next week after my schedule died down… I didn’t want to say, let me see what’s going on with #3 and #4 first.  SMH.

I PICTURED OUR FUTURE TO BE

When we spent time together we would talk hours on end about any and everything.  Matching Halloween costumes, trips to every tech and film festival imaginable.  We’d be that couple that everyone was like, what, really?   Roger Ebert started dating Halle Berry?!   Then hell would freeze over.

WHAT I LIKED ABOUT HIM

He’s fun to talk to, he’s very witty, and patient.

WHAT I DIDN’T LIKE ABOUT HIM

Not physically attracted to him (yet?).  Not the best listener.

WHAT I LEARNED ABOUT MYSELF

I’m too nice.  I need to get the hell out of dodge the second I know it’s not going to work and not try to justify it and try to “rationalize” it into working.  I used the dreaded, “I’ll call you” line .  SMH.

Date #1 AKA Tits McGhee


TITS’ STATS

Age:  Early 30’s

Height:  5′??  (Says 5’8.. maybe on Mars)

Ethnicity: Latino

Job:  Marketing

Kids: None                Wants:  Yes

Drinks: ABSOLUTELY

Smokes: No

Single for:  1 year


PRE-DATE

So, the first guy I spoke to on the dating site just so happened to be the first guy I thought was cute.  In his pictures he was bald and kinda pudgy.  Very nice smile and seemed like an all around fun guy that loves to travel.  While I’m a petite woman, I actually don’t mind larger guys.  The only apprehension is that his Tits are bigger than mine and it does make me feel slightly insecure.  At the end of the day I decided that I liked tits personality. He wrote some things that really struck a cord and made me think very highly of him and since he matched all the important specifications, I was excited about going out with him.

When I asked what we were going and what we were doing he told me to dress casual and not wear heels.  It was kinda exciting not knowing what he had planned and knowing that we were meeting in a highly populated public place.

THE FIRST IMPRESSION

We met outside a restaurant.  It was a good thing he told me what he was wearing because otherwise I would have walked straight past him.  He had no tits.  He’d either managed to put on spanx under his tight as shirt and hold those puppies down to look like chiseled pecks or he’d been working out.  Normally I’d think wow, better than expected but there were two other things that couldn’t off set that surprise.  In his pictures he had no beard.  In person beard.  And not a goatee.  Not the kinda beard that accompanies a mustache, the beard that says I am man, hear me roar.   It was the kind of beard that made you think, he needs a bandana and a gold hoop.  While the beard was something that could change.  He abruptly offered to shave it, nothing could change the fact that he was my height and I was wearing sneakers.  There’s even a possibility that he was shorter as I remember going in for the hug and his shoulder fitting well under my arm pit.

THE DATE

As we turned to go into the restaurant he grabbed my hand.  I immediately remember cringing because it was way too soon.  He took the hint.  When we sat down at the bar to eat, he ordered a drink and I a salad.  He placed his hand on my leg and continued to try to hold my hand.  The now creepy pirate was trying to steal affection in any way he could.  After catching a couple of hints, we discussed traveling and his last relationship.  His last relationship was a sore spot for him as it lasted a short amount of time.  Why is it that all the short ones leave the crazy scars?

The check came and he paid.  I asked him what he had planned for us and he said, “whatever you want to do.”  Wow!  What happened to the planning.  I suggested we play pool.  While we were playing pool I quickly realized that while he wasn’t unattractive, I just didn’t feel any chemistry.  He flirted and tried kissing me and hugging me and it just didn’t work for me.  One because I had no clue who he was and the other because I wasn’t attracted to him.  He suggested we play a round for a drink and a kiss.  This is the part where he stepped his pool playing skills up and hustled me out of a drink because I didn’t agree to the kiss.  I purchased him a drink and myself water.  I ended the date and he offered to walk me to my car but I felt that if I allowed him to do that he’d try to kiss me again and slip his tongue down my throat!

I PICTURED OUR FUTURE TO BE

Road trips to Vegas with his friends until I got knocked up and he’d try to keep them coming.  When I returned home from a long day we’d watch TV and he’d drink a beer while I did crossword puzzles filling in words that didn’t fit in the boxes but simply matched my secret disdain for his perpetual beer drinking and lack of creativity.  We’d eventually get married, reluctantly.  He’d probably quit his job one day just because he didn’t want to cut his beard right after knocking me up with baby 3.  The highlight of my day would be shopping at Walmart, the week going to the movies, and the year going to Vegas to watch him out drink his buddies at a night club.

WHAT I LIKED ABOUT HIM

He’s genuinely truthful in trying to settle down.  He’d be open to doing the things that I wanted to do.

WHAT I DIDN’T LIKE ABOUT HIM

He had no tits and he’s short.  Basically, he lied on his profile.  He’d probably settle down with anyone and he’s not aggressive enough.  Too much touchy touch too soon.

WHAT I LEARNED ABOUT MYSELF

I am more into physical attractiveness than I originally thought.  This isn’t limited to Tall, dark, and handsome… I just may have a male tit fetish.