Ugly Truth


BASED ON THE PROFILE, THE DATE THAT JUST AIN’T HAPPENING

–  Creepy photo Guy. A few guys who are probably attractive and nice in real life post pictures of themselves in poor lighting with no background.  Where are you?  Prison.  The look on their face is not inviting, it’s I practice taxidermy with roadside and eat the filling.  Where do they get these red bulbs from?  Why do they think this is the perfect color to highlight they’re abs?  Red makes me think stop and your abs make me think all you want me for is sex.  Go hire a hooker and leave me be.

Dirty Pillows.  Seeing the word nudge coming from a rather obese guy whose picture nests above the caption, to view larger picture absolutely tests my ability to be a person who says size doesn’t matter.  I am a horrible person for this but I didn’t reply before because he was morbidly obese and I imagine our date to be uncomfortable because I’d be feeding him fried chicken while he was on bed rest.

Bus Driver/Cafeteria Worker. I’m sure you’re a nice guy.  Everyone needs love.  Did you think it was attractive to take a picture of yourself in front of a bus or with your hair net on serving up sloppy joes?  You could be the best guy in the world but nothing on your profile is going to make me want to go out with you, eat sloppy joes, or ride on the big yellow bus.   Check the education level of the girl before you decide on trying to communicate with her and stop getting annoyed and writing mean letters to elicit a response.  If I were a horrid person, you’d get a response alright…

Excuse me Miss-ter. Women that are attracted to men are generally not attracted to men that look prettier than them.  Yes there’s the occassional supermodel but even he has facial hair or some sort of chiseled feature that makes him masculine.  If you don’t have the ability to grow facial hair and will always be boyishly handsome, please, please, please, don’t post a side view of yourself with your long hair covering your eye in an attempt to woo me with your gorgeous locks.  It aint’ happening for multiple reasons.  Mainly, I’d need to see baby pictures and yearbook photo’s before considering a date with you.  There’s nothing worse than planning a date with Steve and getting Eve.

LL Fool J. Far be it from me to stomp on someone’s dreams… Seriously, if in life your aim is to be a rapper,  that’s great for you… not so much for me.  I’ve dated rappers before (successful ones too) and I’m over it, past it, and not wanting to open that door ever again.  It amazes me that at one point I found the perpetual, “I’m in the studio, they say I sound like Tupac” line ever attractive.  So when I read that you’re a rapper on your profile it makes me automatically wonder, do you live at home?  Do you even know what it’s like to work for a buck?  Can you speak English?  Will you ask me for money?  How long have you been in the studio?  The one thing I’ve learned from this phenomenon, buy stock in recording studios because these fools are always in it.

THE EXPRESSIONLESS MIME. There’s guys who have the same face in every picture.  I don’t know how they do it, but it looks like they photo-shopped one photo onto several other pictures.  No matter what the activity is, their body language changes but their face remains the same.  Can you smile?  Can you scream?  Can you show some sort of sadness or happiness?  No, you just keep the same face no matter what you’re doing and that makes me instantly think two things.  One, in our wedding pictures, you’d have the same face.  Damn…. AND Two… I just saw your sex face?  Really?!…..  NEXT!

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